I was scouring the internet looking to see what Cosmo was all about. I’m a freelance writer, I should know these things. Also, I was submitting an article to them after receiving an ad for blog contributors. Of course, I had to consult my college room mate, that’s what gal pals are for, right? “I have no idea what I’m doing…” She read what I wrote, checked it for grammar, and helped me pick my already published content to include on my Cosmo tailored resume.
After I hit send I messaged her, “I did it. I sent it. That would be cool if they picked that up.”
“Agreed,” she responded, “Then I could finally learn YOUR 19 Top Secrets To A Hands-Free Female Orgasm.”
- Like the person you are having sex with – or don’t, sometimes that helps too.
“Both work with my husband,” she piped in.
2. Take a bath and shave your legs. This is an important step to remember when you are over 30 and have children. Or, you know, don’t – if you’re a dirty hippie, get off on the smell of human grease, and think hair friction will truly light your fire.
“Hair friction can help at times, yes. Continue…”
3. Despite all your favorite chick-flicks – don’t order Chinese food in advance. All that fried goodness, fried rice, and MSG will just make you feel gross. You will not have the appeal of a genetically blessed tiny acrobatic Asian after you order Chinese food. You will instead have sweet and sour sauce drippage down your right boob from where you almost lost the chop sticks. You will feel fat and bloaty after *so much* rice, and, to top it all off, you’ll smell like shrimp rolls and crab puffs.
4. Make sure all the children are asleep, or completely preoccupied. Nothing is worse than that ten minute quickie turning into, “But mommy, why can’t I come in? Mommy, I need another fruit pouch. Mommy…” Knock. Knock. Knock. “Mommy…”
“Basically,” my husband says as he reads over my shoulder, “You’re saying people should have sex with somebody.”
“Yes. Of course.”
5. Have sex with a human.
“Yes, hands free otherwise implies non-masturbatory. You’re welcome, Jonathan,” my Emily says to my husband.
“This article is not Cosmo material. You’re supposed to be talking about leading people in the direction of using hands-free toys. Like using a sub-wolfer. Or, rubbing your vagina against a fence post,” my husband continues to say.
I have no idea what he is saying to me right now. I don’t want to get off on a radio… I want to have sex with a person.
“Number six needs to be drive a shitty car with old shocks down a shitty road,” he tells me.
I’ve done that. That works. It was accidental of course.
6. Drive a poorly maintenanced junker.
“Does hands free include my hands? I’m just wondering what your requirements were for hands free,” my husband is way too into this.
7. Use someone else’s hands.
We can explore all our options later…