Working with books, my peers and I have a tendency to toss around terrible story ideas. We practically dare eachother to write something decent out of a bad idea.
June of 2008, the theme handed me was: Guy Gets Penny Stuck Up His Ass
Of course, when hard pressed for ideas, the terribly easy way out is to write smut. Smut is always easy, look at Harlequin. So here’s my Penny Ass story:
Aleks Stade was doing some of the best work of his life. The girl under him moaned loudly and he hoped her roommates would hear on the other side of the bathroom that connected the whole apartment. He took pride in the rumors spread about him and his skill in the sack. Stacey or Lacey, whatever her name, was two inches away from pulling the both of them off her twin bed and her head board shook uncontrollably. Down went the lamp, lights out.
Now, Sta-Lacey kept a jar of money on this rattling headboard of her’s – not for tips like a hooker or anything – just change she dug out of her pockets at the end of the day. Aleks saw her make a deposit from her jean pockets earlier in the night when they came back from Austin’s party on Greek Row. It was that season and Sta-Lacey had been sucking on trash can punch all night. She wasn’t a shot taker, she also wasn’t grossly trashed, just good and drunk – a slow, sweet kind of drunk.
She’d led him back to her apartment a few blocks away with a fresh cup of punch in her hand, the red plastic kind from the dollar store, nursing it as she quietly made her way back to her home, pinky linked with his. She was a focused drunk. “What are you thinking so hard about?” he laughed. Usually this is when the uber drunk would say, “Fucking you silly!” Bimbos.
“One- foot – in – front – of – the – other,” she answered instead, “And the beer I’m gonna have tomorrow with my aspirin.”
They’d been at it now for an hour at least. The headboard started to hit the wall.
He heard something fall and felt a shattering rain of change hit his backside as he and Sta-Lacey hit the floor. She was laughing and Aleks was –
With a penny in his ass.
Did he keep going? Or stop? He didn’t know. What did a guy do with a penny stuck in his colon during sex?
“Oh Alan,” the girl moaned.
“Aleks, its Aleks,” he kept fucking her.
She laughed again, “Yeah but who am I?”
He wasn’t listening anymore, he was thinking about the copper inching further up his colon as he inched further up her.
“Its Kacee, asshole.” And she laughed again, apparently getting off on his ignorance.
“Right – ahhhhhhh.” Fuck it all hurt and he wanted to stop!
Awhile later she stopped and dosed off, still on her floor. He crawled to the bathroom as her breathing settled and turned his backside to the mirror. There was a nickle hanging on to dear life by his own sweat on the back of his right thigh. At this point in time he knew that there was obviously something (he imagined a quarter by the size of it) lodged up his ass, but he hadn’t thought much beyond that and the searing pain.
Shower… take a shower…
He eyed the extendable hose of the shower head, stepped in, and turned on the water – ICE!
He turned the knob wanting to do a little dance to warm up while the water did the same, but moving hurt too damn much. Finally, the water got warm enough and he pulled the shower head off its hook and reached behind him, aiming at his ass crack. He hoped this would, you know, loosen everything up a bit. Instead, the water burned his cheeks and sprayed the object further inside his body.
He screamed a stream of curses, dropped the shower head and nearly fell on his very tender derrier. Aleks searched the shower frantically for a solution, trying to think more critically.
Hot pink loofa?
Chick razor with soap attached?
Neon yellow toothebrush?
What the hell did she have a toothebrush in the shower for?
He dumped the flowery shampoo on the floor of the tub as he fondled everything in search of salvation from his butt invader.
Body wash! Pomegranite body wash? Don’t be picky dumb ass.
He lathered up and prayed it would help.
So what happens next? Let’s write it together. The more outlandish and extreme, the more fun. Think Caprice Crane.